Conflict - Can't Live With it...Can't live without it

Date: August 21st, 2011

Speaker: Pastor Kevin Sndyer

Title: Conflict - Can't live with it...Can't live without it...

Text: Acts 15

Intro

I read a quote this week:

“Christ is the reason many enter the church. Conflict is the reason many leave.

None of us like conflict and what it does to us and our relationships.
We hate the feelings of hurt, anger , and dread we have about facing the person or situation.
We hate the phoney relationships when things aren’t dealt with and the trail of damage done when it doesn’t go well.
But in our fallen world conflict is inevitable.

It has been said that we are often in one of 3 stages of conflict

We are just going into one
We are in the midst of one
Or we are recovering the aftermath of one.

There probably isn’t a month that goes by that we don’t have some significant conflict – with our kids, our parents, our spouse, a work associate, a friend, a neighbour.

We all have conflicts and as Christians we are not immune. It touches us.

In fact, let me suggest that what ought to distinguish us as Christians is not the absence of conflict but rather how we handle it.

In Acts 15 we see an excellent example of how these Christians handled conflict…how it resulted in a constructive rather than destructive outcome.

Let’s look at and see what we can learn to apply in our conflicts.

1. THE ISSUE

Acts 15:1

Some men came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the brothers: “Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.” 2 This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them.

In the very 1st verse we have the issue defined.

The issue is:

“What must people do to be considered 1st class citizens in the church?”

You see, the 1st Christians were Jewish and they were wrestling with the issue of Law & Grace.

What about all the Old Testament laws?
What about all the feasts?
What about circumcision? That was a sign that identified one as one of God’s chosen people?

This was embedded into their Jewish culture and so was just a part of their life.

But now what about these Gentiles? What must they do to be Christian?

They haven’t had the law, the Sabbath, circumcision, the feasts….

Some said: “They need to adopt our culture and traditions and essentially become Jewish first to be Christian.”

And we may say like Paul & Barnabbas: “NO…that’s not right. It’s by grace….not of works. Jesus did all that was necessary.”

But before we get too “smug” let’s realize we haven’t always “lived it” either. We haven’t required obedience to the feasts, circumcision but sometimes we have substituted other things.

We too have sometimes tried to “clean the fish before we have caught it.”

a. Think missions.

In our Canadian history we often communicated to our First Nations people they must 1st become European in order to become Christian. We said you must sing our music, you must learn our way, you must become like us. We pulled kids out of their environment into residential schools to teach them more our white ways… We spent more time often trying to impose our culture than helping them to integrate Christ into their culture.

b. Think individually & corporately.

What are the requirements to be accepted and recognized as a Christian here?

in some circles those born and raised in the denomination or church are 1st class citizens….(“2nd or 3rd generation Church Of God”)
In some circles it is the performance of certain rituals….getting married there that constitutes acceptance.
Sometimes it how a person dresses or looks like – shirt & tie; used to be length of hair or skirt length, today sometimes is absence of tattoos and body piercings,

i.e.

In my former church there was a very conservative church nearby. They prohibited TV’s, sleeveless dresses, makeup.

Often I would hear their criticisms of my church .

They saw us as worldly.

Their contention was we didn’t have standards and expectations for how a Christian should look and act like.

We compromised our standards.

They would say “We accepted anybody.”

Sometimes the accusations stung because we just wanted to reach people for Jesus.

A Christian was one who met the “criteria”.

I remember asking one of my Senior’s who had come from there , after a particular nasty accusation of us, how he felt?

Great statement: “You’ve got to catch a fish before you clean it.”

We compromised standards ; they compromised standards…that was 2 ends of the debate.

What about us?

What qualifies a person to be considered a 1st class Citizen here?”

Note: What Paul & Barnabbas lifted up ?

They lifted up evidence of an experience with Jesus Christ.

v.9 – purified their hearts

v. 12 – evidence of God’s miraculous work in their lives

v. 14 evidence that God’s blessing and presence was on them

What was critical was evidence of God’s hand of grace, transforming, purifying, his presence and blessing. It was evidence of a personal faith that mattered.

Church Of God Membership

That’s what we hold as a Church Of God. Membership here is based upon “your profession of faith” and evidence of a personal experience of Jesus Christ…your testimony of Christ’s work in your life. If you have made a personal commitment to Jesus Christ , and you are a member of God’s family. You are a member of this family.

That’s what Paul & Barnabbas were saying:

“If God has accepted them, and given them his Spirit like he did with us, and his presence is evident in their lives….then who we are to stand in the way? We need to embrace them, accept them.”

Membership is based on grace and their profession of faith.

Huge issue….opened Gospel to being worldwide

2. THE OUTCOME

Acts 15:30

The men were sent off and went down to Antioch, where they gathered the church together and delivered the letter. 31 The people read it and were glad for its encouraging message. 32 Judas and Silas, who themselves were prophets, said much to encourage and strengthen the brothers. 33 After spending some time there, they were sent off by the brothers with the blessing of peace to return to those who had sent them.?a? 35 But Paul and Barnabas remained in Antioch, where they and many others taught and preached the word of the Lord.

The end result was

a. Issue was settled.

b. Relationships were restored.

Note: the words: “encouraged”, “brothers” (Jews & Gentiles calling each other brothers), “sent with blessing of peace.”

c. Gospel was advanced (not typical result) – often conflict results in Christ’s cause being maligned and hindered not advanced.

In a conflict there are always 2 parts to work through .

There are the substantive issues. The problem. Have the issues been resolved? Are the problems satisfactorily addressed?
The relationship – this is the harder part.

“Where are we at afterwards? Do we need to apologize for what we said in the process? For actions?

We may never be at the same level of friends, because trust has been damaged and takes time to rebuild, but we should end up respecting each other, acknowledging we are “brothers”, and being able to bless the other person.

When conflict is handled properly both of those parts are worked through….we resolve the issues and we mend the relationship breach. (may not be same but communication and respect restored…avoidance and maliciousnesss is gone)

Question is: How do we get there? What’s the process?

Well let’s go back and look at the process between v 1 & 30.

3. THE PROCESS

As Mentioned The 1st Step These Believers Took In The Process Was To ….

A. Define The Issue (v. 1)

Have you ever been in a conflict where there was more smoke than fire? Where it felt like we were both talking over each other and not connecting?

i.e.

Recently I had a conflict like this. The other person felt I was trying to manipulate and force them how to think. And I felt like I didn’t deserve the label I was being given. As we had it out in a raised voice but respectful conversation, the problem came to light. In an email I copied and sent to this person, I accidently included a statement that I had written about my assessment of the information. I had written it for me and not meant to be shared….but I accidently copied it and this person rightly thought I was trying to think for them and pushing my agenda.

When the person showed me the actual email I finally saw there point. I was able to explain and apologize for what happened.

Once we got to the issue we were able to quickly clear it up. And we are friends again…haven’t been in church for awhile but we’re friends again(smile)

i.e.

Mediation Training

– 1st step is to have each party share their story uninterrupted in 3 -4 minutes.….their perspective.

2nd step is to try and work to identify and write up as briefly as list of the mutually agreed upon issues. You then take the easiest one and begin to move towards resolving it first…build trust & momentum

Key to process is coming to a clear, succinct agreed upon definition of the issue.

That is the 1st step here….in the very 1st verse they come with a statement of the issue: “Do we have to become Jewish to become Christians?”

Note: Story in Joshua 22 – tribes returned home to far side of Jordan - identified the issue & saved war.

Lesson:

Do you agree on the issue?

B. Focus on the Issue (Stay issue focused not person focused.)

They kept issue-focused and were careful not to become person-centered.

They didn’t point fingers.
They didn’t call names.
They didn’t go to “you” messages.
They defined the issue and kept it issue –centered.

Friends, conflict rarely becomes constructive when it shifts from ‘the issue” and become person-centered….when we think the other person is the issue.

Note:

i.e.

Intent –Action- Effect

Problem is we often jump to negative attributions. We see the action and immediately assign intent…usually negative. Often don’t give benefit of the doubt….did this to hurt me.

I.e.

Example – sharing this concept the other night with a premarital couple and they told me story of their engagement.

Knew he bought ring and couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t giving it to her….getting kind of miffed and thought stalling and not sensitive to time-issue.

Reason came out that he was painting rocks and set them out in a park area that they walked to with words “Will you marry me?”

Intent totally different than what she surmised from his behavior. Joshua 22 is another example

C. Decide if this issue is worth fighting over

The disciples felt this issue was a hill worth dying on….

because the very nature of the Gospel was at stake…
the future of Christianity was at stake (either be just a Jewish sect or become worldwide faith),
and people were at stake…

People would miss Christ because of the added barriers erected. And they couldn’t let that go.

Application

There are some issues worth defending.
There are some hills we need to be willing to die on. But those issues aren’t the usual ones we fight over.

Often we fight over methods, personalities, preferences, paint colors, ….things that in the eternal scheme really don’t make a difference.

i.e.

On the night before Constantinople fell to invaders. Story is told that the church elders met in a heated debate over the following issue:

“If a fly falls into holy water is the fly holy or is the water defiled?”

Sometimes what we fight over looks about as silly as that to a world that is coming apart. The issue seems so inconsequential.

But it’s hard to live in the balance:

Eph 4:15 tells us to “speak the truth in love.”

We struggle between those 2 things:

Truth
Love

The Bible says “forbear with one another” and it also says “Go and talk” When do we what?

When do I go and confront and when do I need to forbear?

Hard to find the balance.

Think of it as a continuum.

On one end, you have people who emphasize “truth”

At the extreme end, these people become “peace-breakers” They adopt confront/attack strategies.

They confront every issue without regard for what does this does to relationships.
Their “truth” trumps love and they are literally “brutally honest” (emphasis on brutal)

On the other end, you have the “peace-lovers” (aka doormats)

They are so “loving” that they won’t speak truth….they absorb it, …They will forbear nearly everything.
They never confront but absorb every action and hurt for the sake of keeping relationship.

The difference between these 2 extremes is :

One sacrifices relationships for truth.
One sacrifices truth/honesty for relationships.
On type have have heart attacks from internalizing all the stress
On type give heart attacks from all their confronting.

Neither are sufficient.

And in between these 2 extremes we have what the Bible calls “peace-makers”

“Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the sons of God.” (Matthew 5:9)

James 3:18 – “Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of relationships.”

These are the people who “speak the truth in love.”

As David Augsberger says: “people who care enough to confront.”

People who know what hills to die on….and what to forbear.

Practical Guidance of when to do what:

When to confront?

Scripture says God does not always treat us as our sins deserve and there are times we need to be like that… we need to forbear the inconsequential.

But I think there are 2 times we need to confront:

1. WHEN GOD’S REPUTATION IS AT STAKE.

Disciples couldn’t let this go because 3 critical issues here

This issue challenged the character of Christ and the nature of the Gospel? Is salvation by grace alone? Is Christ’s blood sufficient to forgive all my sin or do I need to add to it with my works, rituals?

The cause of Christ was at stake? People who needed Christ would have another barrier put in front of them. Added to the cross barrier there would be erected a ‘church requirement’ barrier as well.
The nature of the Christian community was at stake? The unity of the body was at stake.

And that was a hill to fight for. There are issues to confront and hold your ground on….

But When deciding we need to ask:

What about this bothers me?

Is there a truth, cause , community at stake? Or is this a pride and ego issue…a preference issue?

2. TIME

Does it bother me 2 days later?

Normally issues that don’t linger & create a wall are issues to forbear….and forgive.

But if the issue has created a wall between you and the other person, or caused you to feel differently about them a couple days later, that is an indication you need to go and talk. You need to care enough about the relationship, the reputation of Christ, to go and confront what has created a wall in you.

In those cases – we are to go and make peace. Takes courage…seems to take a lot less courage to go and talk to others about it….

D. Take it to the right source (Talk to the Right Person)

The biblical process for resolving conflict is summarized in Matthew 18: 15 – 17

15 “If your brother sins against you,?a? go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’?b? 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

To the credit of these Jewish believers they took their issue to the teachers first.

Friends, when someone has wronged us, the first and biblical thing is to take it to the person, not everyone else.

i.e.

Be rather pastoral & exhort you

Many of you are aware of the apology I sent out in a congregational email for a comment I made in a message that offended some people….I don’t know all who or how many it offended ….and there is a reason for that.

No one came and talked to me about it. I was trying to be funny and offended some people.

If you didn’t receive the email and were one of the offended I am sorry for hurt I caused. As a Christian I when I offend I have a responsibility to own that and apologize.

But for teaching purposes let me use this as an illustration…applies far beyond this issue so not just speaking about this issue…speaking about the “pattern or habit.”

Folks, the responsibility doesn’t end with just me. You also can’t dismiss your responsibility.

As Christians, you need to take responsibility for your unbiblical behavior. In your hurt you also “sinned”. You didn’t take it to the source. You didn’t come to me. You didn’t take it to the Deacons. You didn’t take it to staff relations. You took it to the community. You talked to others. And how I heard that people were offended was by talk out there in the community.

Now, I appreciate the fact that you hold high standards for your pastor, but I want you to know that I hold high standards for you.

You have a responsibility to act by this book just like I do.

These early Christians avoided this being destructive because they went to the right source. Destructive church conflicts and church splits are rarely over issues that warrant them….Majority of time it is because we in involved in the conflict don’t act biblically. They are fuelled by well-meaning Christians who jump the rails and don’t act biblically. When we talk about the problem to everyone but the person who offended us. We let our feelings, not God’s Word govern our actions.

i.e.

Remember picture I have told before. Each of us as we walk thru the various relationships in our life carry 2 buckets: water & gas

Come across fires, people offended, wrongdoings….and at those moments you make a choice. Pour water or pour gas.

When you leave either resolved the issue and made peace or you have enflamed the situation and made it bigger.

Wrap-Up

We will all have conflicts. We can’t live with it and we can’t live without it.

But it doesn’t have to be destructive.

The key factor to a positive outcome is how we handle it.

This morning I want you to think about a strained or conflicted relationship.

Ask:

1. How do you define the issue?

Put on their shoes and ask: How would they define the issue? Commit to listen.

2. Have you escalated this and gone from being issue-focused to person-focused? Is the action or behavior the problem or is the person the problem?

Confess and prayer for person and way to address problem.

3. “Forbear” or “Talk to” person.

Pray for grace to forbear and let go or pray for courage to go talk.

4. Habits or patterns:

When got a problem where have you gone with it? Confess if you have used the gas bucket.

If you’ve got an issue, commit to going to right source …

– maybe need to talk to your spouse instead of your girlfriends,

talk to your parents instead of your friends,

talk to your co-worker or boss instead of about them to everyone else, talk to your church friend or staff instead of to everyone else about them….

i.e.

Words are a powerful thing

Close with what I believe is a Norwegian Folk Tale

Young person who felt slighted by a friend and heard some gossip and joined in….and shared that.
Mother heard and didn’t say anything but told child to take big feather pillow to top of the big hill near the house and cut it open and let the wind blow the feathers….
Child thot odd but kind of fun….so did it and then came home.
When came in door Mom greeted her and said “Now, go back up the hill and collect all the feathers you threw in the wind.”
Child: ”Impossible, by now they could be all over the county.”
Mother: “So true….and so too with your words about your friend.”

Let’s pray

Father, help us to be people who act biblically….who even in our anger and hurt don’t sin. Help us to be people of courage and people who bring things together not a part.

Amen

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The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ac 15:1-2

a Some manuscripts them, 34but Silas decided to remain there

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ac 15:30-35

a Some manuscripts do not have against you.

b Deut. 19:15

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Mt 18:15-17