Date:  August 28th, 2011

Speaker: Pastor Kevin Snyder

Title:  Conflict - Can't live with it...Can't live without it...Part 2

Text:  Acts 15

 Introduction  

Talk about conflict…   

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and
refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of
him. Custody was granted to the Saskatchewan Roughriders this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.  

  Review:

• Issue:
• Outcome:
• Process Define The IssueKeep It Issue-Focused Not Person-Focudsed
• Decide If The Issue Is Worth Fighting For

Step 1: Talk to the Person, not about them.

The biblical process  for resolving conflict is summarized in Matthew 18: 15 – 17

15 “If your brother sins against you,?a? go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’?b? 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.  

To the credit of these Jewish believers they took their issue to the teachers & apostles.

Acts 15: 22 Then the apostles and elders, with the whole church, decided to choose some of their own men and send them to Antioch with Paul and Barnabas. They chose Judas (called Barsabbas) and Silas, two men who were leaders among the brothers. 23 With them they sent the following letter: …. .30 The men were sent off and went down to Antioch, where they gathered the church together and delivered the letter. 31 The people read it and were glad for its encouraging message. 32 Judas and Silas, who themselves were prophets, said much to encourage and strengthen the brothers.  

They sent people not  just a letter.  What makes this even more remarkable is the extent and cost they went to.  Antioch was 300 miles away.  That is a long walk.  The value people must have felt  to have someone go that far  to share this news face to face. Personal involvement sends a message of love.

In our day of technology we like to avoid the personal.  We  send emails…letters. 

In case any of you think this is irrelevant  or unnecessary let me be very specific today.  My illustrations are  perhaps going to be uncomfortable because they are “our” actions.  Going to “admonish” you today.

 Case #1: 

i.e.

Last Sunday – anonymous note in mailbox – not way things done here at East Side

• many sources if can’t come to person – staff relations, Deacons…but this isn’t way it gets done and especially not personal attacks on person.
• Anonymous personal attacks are treated this way (crumple)

 Go in person…. 

Case #2:

Many of you are aware of the apology I sent out in a congregational email for a comment I made in a message that offended some people.  I  was trying to be funny and offended some people.If you didn’t receive the email and were one of the offended I  am sorry for hurt I caused. As a Christian I when I offend I have a responsibility to own that and apologize. 

But folks the responsibility doesn’t end there. There are some of you as Christians who also need to take responsibility for your unbiblical behavior.  In your hurt you also sinned. You didn’t take it to the source.  You didn’t come to me.  You didn’t take it to the Deacons.  You didn’t take it to staff relations. You took it to the community. You talked to others. And how I heard that people were offended was by talk out there in the community. I appreciate the fact that you hold high standards for your pastor, but I want you to know that I hold high standards for you.You have a responsibility to act by this book just like I do.  

 Step 2: Take it up the chain not down

When the problem couldn’t be solved, they took it the leaders in the church in Jerusalem.

In Matthew 18 that is what is meant by “take it to the church”….doesn’t mean tell everybody in the church your side.  It means take it to the formal structures set up for this purpose. 

Proper Process

Conciliation – “just between the 2 of you”

Mediation – “take one or two others along

Arbitration – “take it to the church”

Litigation - treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector ( legal system)  

• 1st step – conciliation – try and work it out between 2 of you
• Mediation – if can’t take it to 1 or 2 others who can act as mediators.  People who are impartial who will hear both sides and assist you to solve your problem.
• Arbitration – if you can’t settle it  among yourselves informally then take it to the authority structure….to people entrusted with wisdom and respect to decide.  Let someone  hear the story and make a decision that is binding on both parties.
• If  a party refuses to work in conciliation, doesn’t submit to mediation process, refuses to listen to elders….then person is violating God’s will.  And church is called to make a functional decision: if person behaves like a nonbeliever would, namely disregarding the authority of Scripture and of Christ’s church and leadership – then treat him as he acts…as you would a nonbeliever.  Means to resolve you have no alternative left but litigation to appeal to the authority of the state  

That is the biblical process.

This major and potentially divisive issue in the church ended with a positive outcome in large part because they  went up the chain with it,  not down.

 Apply:

Process applies here and now.

• 1st step in conflict  - talk to each other
• If can’t resolve  next step is to get a mediator – someone you trust and respect who can assist the process.(pastor or mature Christian) If that doesn’t work we have some structures to take it to:
• Deacons – entrusted to guard the spiritual & relational climate of the church
• Staff Relations – if with a staff person.

 

 But that’s the biblical process.

 Troubling Observation:

Tendency  to governed more by our emotions than by God’s word.

If we’ve been hurt , if we feel someone else hasn’t acted Christian we think that gives us license to act the same way. Tit –for-tat. 

• “They gossiped about me so I will gossip about them.
• “They did me dirty so I’ll do them dirty. “

i.e. like kids in the sandbox

“They threw sand on me so I will throw sand at them.”

Here are some verses to underline & memorize:

Romans 12:17 – 21 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.?a? Do not be conceited. 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Our cues for how we act in conflict are to come from Scripture not the world or just our emotions.  Just because someone else doesn’t act Christian doesn’t mean we have license not too.

i.e.Jesus gives us a perfect example:

1 Peter 2:23“When they hurled their insults at him he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats….”

David

• when chased by King Saul  who sought to kill him
• Several times had chance to do Saul in….1 time in particular  when Saul came into a cave to relieve himself.  David and his men were in there.  David cut off chunk out of his clothes….but when asked why he didn’t kill him. Davi d said “I will not lift my hand against theLord’s anointed.” Left it to God.  for David to kill Saul meant David became in the process a Saul….refused to do that.

This “not reacting like the world” is hard.    It is one thing to act “Christianly”; it is another thing to react “Christianly.”  You know that Christ has become deeply incorporated in your life when you can not only act Christian, but when speared you react Christianly.  You know then Christ has sunk not only into the conscious but your sub-conscious.

Lesson:  Take it up the chain, not down.

Step 3:   Listen & Reflect Before Speaking

The apostles in Jerusalem  teach another important thing.  They  listened to both sides of the issue before deciding.  They listened to Paul & Barnabas and also to the Jewish brothers. 

(v.4,5) When they came to Jerusalem, they were welcomed by the church and the apostles and elders, to whom they reported everything God had done through them. 5 Then some of the believers who belonged to the party of the Pharisees stood up and said, “The Gentiles must be circumcised and required to obey the law of Moses.”   

Perhaps have heard saying  -“ in a conflict there are usually 3 sides – my side, your side , and the right side. “But they also listened to another voice.  The voice of Scripture and the Holy Spirit.

v. 14  -  “Simon has described  to us how God at first showed his concern by taking  a people for himself.  The words of the prophets are in agreement with this , as it is written….  

They examined the issue from a biblical point of view.  They  sought to discover what was right to the Holy Spirit.

They  reflected on what Scripture said about the issue. 

They prayed.

Finally they came out with a decision that seemed ,(v. 28), “right to the Holy Spirit and to them.”

Important:

Goal is not just to make people happy in a conflict….ultimate goal is that God is honored and glorified.Sometimes both parties aren’t really right, but need to be called to a higher standard.

i.e.

1 Cor 6: 1 – 8 If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? 2 Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4 Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church!?a? 5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6 But instead, one brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers! 7 The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8 Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.  

Issue wasn’t who was right.  Issue was that they were defeated already by how they were handling the issues.  And Paul calls them to a higher calling.   They were missing the 1st 3 steps (conciliation, mediation, arbitration,) and were going straight to litigation.  And Paul is saying that isn’t right.  It is dishonouring to God’s reputation that we who are “peacemakers”, who have the ministry of reconciliation” have to look to the worldly system to solve all our conflicts.  He concludes it would be better to be wronged and God be honored , than to be right and God dishonoured.  Because our first objective as Cns in everything is that God be glorified.  Our 1st objective and goal is to honour God both in life and also in conflict.  More than getting your way is that God’s way is honored….that it “seem right to the Holy Spirit” 

 What this is saying is that you need to take some time in a conflict and examine yourself.

• What is the “board” in my eye? (Matt. 7:3)What is my contribution?Often we try to assess who is more at fault in a conflict.  If we feel the other person is more at fault than we are then we feel absolved of responsibility.
• Even if you are only 20% at fault you need to look within and take responsibility for your 20%.  You need to listen to the Spirit’s voice for your part in the conflict.

 i.e.

Marriage counseling Prep

When couples would come to me about marriage troubles.  Sometimes I would give out a form that asked them to look at their behaviors, words, attitudes in the conflict.  When I met with them we would start by looking at their “stuff”.

Lot of times I didn’t have couples come….we tend to want to talk about our spouse….what they are or aren’t doing.  Often we saw them as the total problem….and weren’t ready to look at how our behavior wasn’t honoring God. Before we speak we need to listen…to other person and also to God.  

Conclusion

Let me wrap up with a Norwegian Folk Story that has always stuck with me .It reminds me of the power of the tongue and the world of damage it can do…the fires of hell it can unleash….the damage it can do to relationships when not governed and controlled.  When we allow ourselcves to come off the rails when we get angry  or hurt. 

i.e.

• Young person who felt slighted by a friend and heard some gossip and joined in….and shared that. Mother heard and didn’t say anything but told child to take big feather pillow to top of the big hill near the house and cut it open and let the wind blow the feathers….Child thot odd but kind of fun….so did it and then came home. When came in door Mom greeted her and said “Now, go back up the hill and collect all the feathers you threw in the wind.”Child: ”Impossible, by now they could be all over the county.”
• Mother: “So true….and so too with your words about your friend.”

James 3: 2  - 11

 Prayer

Lord, help us to be agents & a force for reconciliation and peace  in a world rife with conflict. Grant us strength and courage that in our hurt and anger that we not sin with our tongues.Grant us grace to forbear where need to forbear.Give us courage to go to the person and talk to them not about them.Grant us the wisdom to go up and seek resolution not down and create polarizationGrant us the humility and honesty to look first at the boards in our own eyes before we go. 

And Father, help  us in this conflict-ridden world  to honor God,  be peacemakers in this community, and testify to the transforming power of Christ to reconcile relationships.  May there peace on earth….and let it begin with us.Amen. 

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 a Some manuscripts do not have against you.b Deut. 19:15 The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Mt 18:15-17 The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ac 15:22-32a Or willing to do menial work The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ro 12:16-18 The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ac 15:4-5a Or matters, do you appoint as judges men of little account in the church?

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. 1 Co 6:1-8