Date:  June 20th, 2010

Speaker:  Pastor Kevin Snyder

Title: Gifts for Dad

Text:  Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 5:33

Introduction

10 Main Things I Know About Women – (Mistake It Like a Man)

 

A couple of years ago someone said something that became like a piece of sand in an oyster….it just stirred some thinking.

They said “Why is it that on Mother’s Day we extol all the virtues of motherhood and say how women are to be treated, and on Father’s Day we always give them a kick in the pants?”

 

And as I reflected back I realized they were right….focus of my messages had often been that.

So today, want to change that.  I want you Dads’ to sit back and relax and for you wives and kids to sit up and take notes.

Because what I want to talk about is about one of the greatest gifts you can give the men in your life.     

A gift which will hit at their heart more than anything else.

 

i.e.

Given wind-up flashlight this morning.  I want to give to you wives and kids what you can do to wind up the light in your Dad’s life.  There are some Dad’s who are tired….who’s light is pretty dim…tired of trying to crank it .  This morning I want to tell you how you can help turn your Dad’s crank in a good way.

 

It is a gift that Scripture tells us to give almost throughout it’s pages.  It is expressed primarily in 2 words:

Honor & Respect

 

Exodus 20: 12 - Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

 

Lev 19:3 - “ ‘Each of you must respect his mother and father, and you must observe my Sabbaths. I am the Lord your God.

Eph 5:33

33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  

A. What Does Honour/Respect Look Like?

  Picture the meanings

 

 

 

Key meaning:

respect = treating them as you would like to be treated and extending to them the dignity each human being inherently deserves as one of God’s creations.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

 

i.e.

-put numbers on people’s foreheads between 1 – 10.

Number we put determines how we treat them.

Low number – (lower than you) – treat them with disrespect

Number higher than you – treat with respect

Phil 2:3 (on same background of king slide)

3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

 

Gary Smalley – “Awe”

 

Examples: (how respect / disrespect thing works in a guy)

a. Personal

Everybody has their buttons don’t they.  Some place where our armour is thin and it triggers something.

For me it is this sense of respect.  When I sense I am being treated with a sense of belittlement, contempt, or disdain it is like the wires of my emotions get short-circuited and it plugs straight into my dark side.

Times when someone said something and it arises an anger in me that surprises even me.  I can take a joke and ribbing,….

i.e.

Like Steve when I was down at the Centre helping on Monday. …told me to put on my “man panties and come help him”  I can take that…I can laugh at that….cuz I know he wears them too….

It’s not the manly ribbing and joking guys do that gets me it’s the sense of deep disrespect it gets me.

b. Youth event

Magical Mystery tour – young people – guy on bike, transient….mission to help him.  Wouldn’t take anything.

Why not?  They saw needs – fix bike, food, shelter – stayed outside under __________.

Why wouldn’t he take help?  Perhaps a thousand reasons but 1 may be – self-respect.

He didn’t want charity…sympathy. It made him feel like he wasn’t able to care for himself.

 

c. Homeless

Under the Overpass – in library – 2 Christian college guys that decide to go homeless for 5 months in 5 cities and retell their experiences.  The thing that hurt and caused them them the most pain was: Not when people wouldn’t give money….but when people wouldn’t even look them in the eye.  Look the other way, or treat them like they weren’t even there.  It was that level of disrespect that troubled him most.

  

Summary:

  It is as if God hard-wired into us this circuit of respect.

 

And it is one of the most meaningful gifts you can give to your Dad or husband 

 

2. Evidence:

• Dr John Gottman – studied 2000 couples over 20 years who had been married 20 -40 years to the same partner.  He found one thing similar – tone of their discussions.  He says

“As these couples talked together, almost always there was a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients in their conversations: Love and Respect.  These are the direct opposite of – and antidote for – contempt, perhaps the most corrosive force in marriage.”… “No husband feels affection toward a wife who appears to have contempt for who he is as a human being.”  (Love & Respect, p. 35) 

Willard  Harley writes:

“When a woman tells a man she appreciates him for what he has done, it gives him more satisfaction than he receives from a paycheck….A man needs his wife to be his most enthusiastic fan.  He draws confidence from her support and can usually achieve more with her encouragement…you may have heard “Behind every great man  is a great woman”….Harley amends that ”Behind every man should be an admiring wife.”

When he doesn’t feel it he tends to be more defensive.  They don’t like to see counsellors because they don’t like someone to be critical of them

 

Songs sometimes tell us some things.  Several years ago Aretha Franklin sang a song that was written by a man named Otis Redding.  It was written to his wife.  He seeks to make it very clear that all he wants is a little RESPECT.  Greatest thing he could get.  He even spells it out.

 

RESPECT

What you want, baby, I got.
What you need, you know I got it.
All I askin' is for a little respect
when you come home, baby.
When you come home,
respect.

I ain't gonna do you wrong while you gone,
I ain't gonna do you wrong 'cause I don't wanna.
All I askin' is for a little respect
when you come home, baby.
When you come home,
respect.

I'm about to give you all my money
but all I'm askin in return, honey,
is to give me my proper respect
when you get home, yeah baby,
when you get home.

Ooh, your kisses sweeter than honey
but guess what, so here's my money.
All I want you to do for me is give me some here
when you get home, yeah baby,
when you get home.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
find out what it means to me.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T,

A little respect ...

 

 “ As a man , I like being loved, but what I really crave from my wife and children (especially my wife) is respect.” (Better Dads, p.166)

2. Why is Respect so important?

a. Life goes better with respect

The 5th commandment adds these words “so you may live long…”

Respect is foundational to human relationships & society.

And the basic place we learn it is in the home.  We don’t learn to respect in the home we struggle with respecting authority and others in life.

Note commands that follow:

• Killing results when we don’t respect someone else’s right to life
• Adultery happens when we don’t respect the feelings of our spouse or the marriage bond
• Stealing occurs when we don’t respect the other person’s property.
• False testimony occurs when we don’t respect the other person’s wellbeing  enough to defend it
• Coveting happens when we don’t respect another persons gifts and abilities

 

Respect is fundamental to human relationships.

We will live longer , as the commandment says, if we learn to treat people with respect.  And major ground for learning and practising that is the home.

 

b. When it comes to respect we tend to reap what we sow.

Consider the context of this 5th command to honour father & mother.

• The Egyptians had used death to solve social problems.  They used infanticide to control the population growth of the Hebrews.
• They also used it to deal with the deformed, unwanted, and the elderly were often left to die in the desert.
• The Israelites had seen this and grown up with this.  They were vulnerable to adopting this practise.  Especially in the wilderness where the elderly and infirm placed an added burden on them in travelling. 

• Part of this command speaks to a value of society.  We have a responsibility , no matter what our age to honour the elderly.  To treat them with dignity and respect.
• We see this exampled by Jesus in that while on the cross he made provision for the care of his mother by asking John to care for her.
• In Timothy we are instructed to care of the widows and our families.

 

Story:

Grimm fairy tale:

There was once a very old man, whose eyes had become dim, his ears dull of hearing, his knees trembled, and when he sat at table he could hardly hold the spoon, and spilt the broth upon the table-cloth or let it run out of his mouth. His son and his son's wife were disgusted at this, so the old grandfather at last had to sit in the corner behind the stove, and they gave him his food in an earthenware bowl, and not even enough of it. And he used to look towards the table with his eyes full of tears.

Once, too, his trembling hands could not hold the bowl, and it fell to the ground and broke. The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they bought him a wooden bowl for a few half-pence, out of which he had to eat.

They were once sitting thus when the little grandson of four years old began to gather together some bits of wood upon the ground. What are you doing there, asked the father. I am making a little trough, answered the child, for father and mother to eat out of when I am big.

The man and his wife looked at each other for a while, and presently began to cry. Then they took the old grandfather to the table, and henceforth always let him eat with them, and likewise said nothing if he did spill a little of anything.

 

Disclaimer:

Problem with messages is that there are always disclaimers….

Biggest push-back when talk about honour and respect: “But they don’t respect me….Why should I respect them?”  Comes out in regards to parents, and to spouses. 

But if we see respect as “Doing unto others as you would have them do unto you” then your response isn’t based on how they have treated you.  Your response is based on how you would like to be treated. Often it comes to this stand off: I’ll treat them with respect when they treat me with respect.

How do we get off the that cycle?  Who should go first?

Love one person’s response:

 “One who sees themselves as the most mature”. 

 

You see, folks as a Christians we aren’t take our cues from how people treat us.  If they treat us carnally , then I have an excuse to treat them carnally.

If they they throw sand at me, then I have a right to throw sand at them…..play box mentality.

No, as Christians we take our cues from Jesus.  And despite how he was treated disrespectfully – mocked, whipped, accused unjustly….he treated others with respect.  He refused to get into the revenge cycle. He refused to stoop to that level.

He paid back cursing with blessing.

He prayed for those who persecuted him.

A key question for our behaviour is: “How can I glorify God in this situation?”

You see, we say we are to love unconditionally.

But we must also respect unconditionally.

To treat them as you would like to be treated (not as you are treated), and to extend to them the dignity each human being inherently deserves as one of God’s creations.

Is that easy?  No. 

 

C. How can we show honour and respect?

Practical Steps….What you can do to gift the men in your life today?

Exercise: Go home and say:

“Message today was about giving respect.  I was thinking about you today and  wanted to tell you a few things about you that I respect.”

Make a respect list

 

‘Respect List’ Ideas

In the book “Love & Respect” he gives a few places to start: 

• His Desire for Conquest

Inborn desire of the man to go out and conquer the challenges of the world – to work and achieve.

Tell him about respect you have for the effort he has made to overcome challenges at his work, to make a difference in his world 

• His Desire to Protect and Provide

Tell him you respect his commitment to provide and protect you and your family….sacrifices he makes to do that

• Somebody said a father is somebody who carries pictures where he once carried money. All the money is gone raising you up!

• His Desire to Follow Christ

Tell him you appreciate how he seeks to apply Christian values in the different arenas of his life. 

• His Desire to Serve

Tell him that you respect his desire to serve his kids and you.  You appreciate the time and effort he makes to serve the family, the church, and community. 

• His Desire for Friendship

Tell him you respect his commitment to wanting to engage you in his life by inviting you to do things with him. Tell him you appreciate his commitment to his friends. 

 

Now those are just a few ideas.  The point is one of the best gifts you can give to Dad today is not to tell him you love him, (that’s good), but if you can list some ways that you respect him….you will make his day.

 

Now husbands & Dad’s just so you don’t go home with all kinds of expectations let me say just a word to you.

Your job is to not make that a difficult exercise for your wife and kids.

 

Conclusion

Click here to return to sermon page

 

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ex 20:12

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Le 19:3

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Eph 5:33

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Php 2:3