Date:  April 18th, 2010

Speaker: Pastor Kevin Snyder

Title:  Mending Fences

Text:  Genesis 32,33

Introduction

One of the tough things in life is staying in relationship, isn’t it?

Often they start well and things are great, but then some difference comes along or someone does something that is selfish and a rift happens.

• There is a wreck.  We are injured.  Mad.
• We want to pull back. 
• We withdraw and hope they hurt by our withdrawal.
• Or we lash out with angry, hurtful words…or actions.
• And the rift grows. 
• We’re stressed.
• We replay it over and over.
• We hope we don’t see them.
• We inwardly hope they hurt.
• We stop talking.
• We separate.
• We go our separate ways.

 

It happens in so many of our arenas of life, doesn’t it?.

• Family
• Marriage
• Friendships
• Work
• Church

 

A few weeks ago Joyce & I had one of those wrecks. I said something that hurt her.  Every time we talked it only got worse. I got mad.  She got mad.  I got madder.  She got madder. Voices got raised.  Then silence.

I left a note saying I had to go for a walk and clear my head.

She left me a letter. I left her a letter.

The rift got wider and wider…..

 

Have you been there?

With your spouse?  Sibling?  Parent? Friend? Fellow Christian?  Work partner?

 

We probably all know what it is like to have broken fences in our lives.

 

Question is:

• How do we come together? 
• How do we mend those broken fences in our lives?
• How do we stop this growing string of broken relationships in our lives?

 

(By the way, Joyce and I did make up and she & I are in love again…share how later)

 

I want us to go back to our journey through Genesis and look at the character of Jacob.

Jacob knows all about broken relationships.  He left them everywhere in his wake.

Let’s start by looking at who he was

 

A. Jacob: Who He Was

Gen 25: 27-34; 27: 1 – 29, 41-46; 29:15 – 28; 30:25- 43

Jacob was in many ways an old Bernie Madoff.

Madoff was the financial guy who connived and tricked people out of millions of dollars in his scheme. Well Jacob was kind of like that. 

• Jacob was a grandson of Abraham.  His father was Isaac.
• Jacob’s parents were dysfunctional to some degree.
• Both parents had favourite sons and his mother was…well…a schemer and a liar.
• Jacob’s life can be divided in to 2 parts.  The dividing line comes at Gen 32: 28 where he is in a wrestling match with God one night.  He comes out of it with a new name – Israel.

 

Before that time we could summarize Jacob’s life this way:

He selfishly connived to get all that was possible for him in the easiest fashion he knew….and he did it at the expense of other people.  He burned a lot of people.

 

The Bible said his relationship problems started in the womb.

Gen 25:21

Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. 22 The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, “Why is this happening to me?” So she went to inquire of the Lord.

23 The Lord said to her,

“Two nations are in your womb,

and two peoples from within you will be separated;

one people will be stronger than the other,

and the older will serve the younger.”

24 When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. 25 The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau.?b? 26 After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau’s heel; so he was named Jacob

 

Jacob’s name also meant “one who grabs the heel” or “one who trips up.”

 

a. Jacob and Esau were  totally different.

• Jacob was a home body - his mother’s favourite.
• Esau was a hunter – his Dad’s favourite

 

One day Esau was famished….hungry like an animal…and Jacob was making stew.  And Jacob convinced Esau to give up his birthright for a bowl of stew.  His birthright represented his privileges as the firstborn son.  His right to property.  To blessing.

Esau was willing to give it up for some temporary gratification.

We know that temptation….give up a marriage for an affair….give up a career for some pilfering of cash….give up our reputation for a night of drinking. 

And Jacob takes advantage of his brother’s hunger and weakness and exploits him for his gain.

b. In ch 27 we see a major blow-out.

 In Hebrew families before the father passed away he would give his children the blessing.  It was a significant event. We have a faint glimmer in child dedication.  But he would bring in the oldest child first and lay his hands on him and speak meaningful words over the child as to a preferred future for him.  It held tremendous significance.

 

Well, Rebekkah gets involved again.  Esau as the oldest is to get the “blessing”  but the old man’s seeing is going.  And she connives with some animal hair to get Jacob to smell and feel like Esau.  And Isaac gives Jacob “the blessing”.

Esau then comes along and goes through the same ritual to get the blessing and when he comes in he finds out Jacob had tricked his father and stolen his blessing.

Listen to the emotion in this passage:

32 His father Isaac asked him, “Who are you?”

“I am your son,” he answered, “your firstborn, Esau.”

33 Isaac trembled violently and said, “Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!”

34 When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me—me too, my father!”

35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”

36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob?a?? He has deceived me these two times: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”

37 Isaac answered Esau, “I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possibly do for you, my son?”

38 Esau said to his father, “Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!” Then Esau wept aloud.

39 His father Isaac answered him,

“Your dwelling will be

away from the earth’s richness,

away from the dew of heaven above.

40     You will live by the sword

and you will serve your brother.

But when you grow restless,

you will throw his yoke

from off your neck.”

41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”

42 When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, “Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you. 43 Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at once to my brother Laban in Haran. 44 Stay with him for a while until your brother’s fury subsides. 45 When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?”

 

So Jacob runs

 

c. He goes to live and work for his cousin Laban.

Laban is as unscrupulous and conniving as Jacob.  And so begins this 20 year drama of manipulation and scheming.

Laban has 2 daughters – Leah and Rachel

Rachel was beautiful, Leah not so much.

Jacob agrees to work 7 years to marry Rachel.

Well after 7 years Laban gets him drunk and he wakes up in the morning and discovers he married Leah – surprise!

He is ticked and discovers that the oldest daughter has to be married first.

But if he works for another 7 years he can also have Rachel.

And Jacob’s relational problems continue because he loves Rachel but not Leah….but Leah has children and Rachel can’t Rachel gets envious and gives Jacob her maidservant to have children with ….then Leah does the same….and so you have 12 kids from 1 father and 4 mothers and there are favourites and tensions and just a big sordid mess.

Jacob then entered into a business arrangement with Laban.  He would get the speckled animals and Laban would get the white.

They agreed.

Then Jacob through some crafty breeding practises ensured he got the best, most, and strongest and Laban got the weak.

 

When Laban sees what is happening his attitude changes toward Jacob  

And so he consults his wives about leaving and his wives agree….but if you read it is because they don’t like Laban not because they love Jacob.  So Jacob leaves.  Rachel steals some household gods from her father on their stealthy get away.  

After 3 days Laban catches up.

There is a heated argument.  And, Laban & Jacob make an agreement basically to separate and never meet again. 

 

Now here is Jacob with a dilemma.

• To his right a broken relationship with Laban – his father-in-law.  Can’t go there.
• To his left a still broken relationship with his brother whom he hasn’t talked to in 20 years.

 

Now interesting when he left the land Jacob had an encounter with some angels – reminded him of God’s promises and plans for him.

When he returns to the land he again encounters some angels….and he declares “This is the camp of God.”

 

Somehow in this encounter something begins to change in Jacob.

• Up until we see this pattern of conflict and running in his life.
• But something happens and Jacob decides to walk towards the broken relationship and with a different heart.
• He doesn’t come to scheme and manipulate but he comes back to get things right.  To mend the broken fence. 

 

B. Jacob’s Reconciliation Process

Let’s look at his reconciliation process.

Something changes in his heart. What comes back across the river is a man with a change of heart. 

• A man wanting to mend the wrongs. 
• A man who sees relationships more important than wealth and profit. 
• He comes back with humility and willingness to do whatever it takes to mend his relationship with his brother.
• The first sign of that is in ch 32.  He sends messengers ahead to tell Esau he is coming home.

Esau’s response – an army of 400 men. 

His anger is still there.  he is ready to fight.  He’s not prepared to lose anymore. 

 

When Jacob hears this, fear grips his heart and he divides his family and possessions into 2 groups.  If Esau attacks one, then the other can still escape. And he prays.

 

He then sends a sign of peace and remorse.

 He sends ahead a huge gift of 220 goats, 220 sheep, 30 camels,  50 head of livestock, 30 donkeys.  He split them up as a series of gifts and each with the same message “These are a gift to you Esau. Jacob is coming behind.

Jacob is hoping this will melt the years of hurt, and anger and pain in Esau’s heart.

 

And then that night Jacob wrestles with God.

He wrestles with who he has been, what he has done.  He wrestles with God’s plan and his way of doing things.

Ever been there.

Uncomfortable place.  You come to see who you are and you don’t like it.

• You see what God wants but you don’t want to go there.
• You feel God pulling on your heart but you keep saying no.
• You wrestle with God.
• You can’t wait for church to get over so you can get out of that spot….God is not letting you go.
• Every week you battle.
• Wrestling over “Who is going to be Lord in my life?  Me or Christ?”

 

And it says that God touched his hip socket and Jacob came away with a limp.

Strongest muscle in the body is weakened.  Perhaps spiritual symbol that the strong conniving, arrogant man has been broken.  The man who used to run from his problems now can’t run.  He walks with a limp. If Esau attacks this time he can’t get away.

 

Friends, the 1st step that happens in Jacob’s life is a change of heart.  He becomes reconciled with God.  He wrestles and doesn’t let go of God until he is a changed man.

And that is the first step we need to take to mending the broken relationships in our lives. 

• We have to quit running from them and head back.
• We need to have a change of heart.
• We need to look in the mirror at who and what we have become and done.
• We have to wrestle with God and resolve not to come out until we are in a place where he can bless us.

 

Step 1: Reconciliation with God

We cannot move forward when there is hurt, guilt, anger, bitterness or un-forgiveness dogging our lives.

The first step is to acknowledge what we have done to contribute to this broken fence. 

Sometimes it takes time.  Have to send several messages, and symbols of a changed heart before they believe you.

 

i.e.

Movie: Fireproof – Love Dare activities – everyday did some things to show his angry, embittered wife that he had a changed heart.  It took time and patience to convince her something had changed in him.

 

i.e.

Battle with Joyce – wrestle with God, asked God to show me my faults and quit rehearsing all hers….God started to break me…I came in one night after all these letters and I just knelt beside her and started to sob and say “I am so sorry”

 

But it starts with a melting of our hearts…a willingness to ask God “What do I need to own for this breakdown?

 

Look at personal application.  Some rocks to look under:

1. What can you own for the way the conflict unravelled?  In what ways do you feel you may have contributed to the destructive result of this conflict?

(Matthew 7:3 )

Some areas to reflect on:

•     Bad Attitudes I have had (Phil. 2:3 - 5; Luke 22: 24 - 27, John 13: 1 - 17)
•     Destructive or Hurtful Words, Miscommunication (Eph. 4: 29, James 3: 5 - 8)
•     Inconsiderate Actions (1 Peter 3: 7)
•     Inappropriate Behaviours (Eph. 4: 25 - 28; 5:1,2,8,9)
•     Poor Reactions  (Romans 12:17 - 21; Matthew 5:24,25, 46)
•     Selfish Motives (James 4: 1 - 3, 1 Corinthians 3: 1 - 3)
•     Harboured Feelings (Colossians 3: 13,  Hebrews 12: 14, 15)

 

David said “against you and you alone Lord have I sinned.”

 

Mending fences starts with a change of heart…a meeting with you and God.  A wrestling match in which you r strongest muscle is broken and you are resolved not to let go until you are in a place where God can bless your life.

 

That’s hard.  We want to justify ourselves.

• We want to put the blame on others for the problem.
• We don’t want to reveal a weakness to our enemy.
• We don’t want to walk with a limp…but it is the 1st step. 

 

Step 2: Reconciliation of Relationships

 Genesis 33

33     Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two maidservants. 2 He put the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear. 3 He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.

4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.  

 

Note: The man who before this encounter put all these groups in front of him.  Now he leads the way.

 

And what a beautiful picture – Jacob bowing in humility and respect 7 times…

And Esau running and embracing his brother and they meet and weep.

In that picture with few words spoken we see the reconciliation of relationship.

We see demonstrated the 7 A’s of a good confession that mends fences.

 

  7 – A’s of Confession

1.      Address everyone involved – Confession needs to be as broad as the sin

2.      Avoid “if, but, and maybe”

3.      Admit specifically

4.      Apologize – express the sorrow you feel for the hurt you have caused

5.      Accept the Consequences – Are you willing to take responsibility?

6.      Alter Your Behaviour – what changes are you committed to make

7.      Ask for Forgiveness

 

Jacob did those and he experiences forgiveness and reconciliation.

 

But something else very beautiful happens next.  Listen to the sweetness in these words.  They speak about restoration to fellowship. 

 

Step 3: Restoration to Fellowship

Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. “Who are these with you?” he asked.

Jacob answered, “They are the children God has graciously given your servant.”

6 Then the maidservants and their children approached and bowed down. 7 Next, Leah and her children came and bowed down. Last of all came Joseph and Rachel, and they too bowed down.

8 Esau asked, “What do you mean by all these droves I met?”

“To find favor in your eyes, my lord,” he said.

9 But Esau said, “I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for yourself.”

10 “No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably. 11 Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.

 

Friends, have you ever been there when a relationship and fellowship has been restored?  It’s a holy moment.  It is like seeing the face of God.  It heals the soul. 

C. Application: How to Mend a Fence

 Let’s wrap this up:

What fences are broken and need to be mended in your life?

• Is it with your spouse?
• Parent?
• Child?
• Bother/Sister?
• Friend?
• Church member?
• Neighbour?
• Work associate?
• Boss?
• Your ex?

Think of a relationship that is broken:

 

What life lesson can you apply from Jacob?

• Quit running from every break.
• Turn around and face it.
• Ask God to reveal to you what you have contributed to where the relationship is today?

Some areas to reflect on:

•     Bad Attitudes I have had (Phil. 2:3 - 5; Luke 22: 24 - 27, John 13: 1 - 17)
•     Destructive or Hurtful Words, Miscommunication (Eph. 4: 29, James 3: 5 - 8)
•     Inconsiderate Actions (1 Peter 3: 7)
•     Inappropriate Behaviours (Eph. 4: 25 - 28; 5:1,2,8,9)
•     Poor Reactions  (Romans 12:17 - 21; Matthew 5:24,25, 46)
•     Selfish Motives (James 4: 1 - 3, 1 Corinthians 3: 1 - 3)
•     Harboured Feelings (Colossians 3: 13,  Hebrews 12: 14, 15)

 

1st step is to wrestle and reconcile that with God.  To own what is yours.

To humble yourself and begin to express patiently and humbly that change of heart.

 

2nd step: To reconcile with the person.

Best way is to confess to that person what God has revealed….to show your limp.

To practise the 7-A’s of confession  

 

3rd step: Restoration to Fellowship may or may not happen right away. 

But when it does you know it’s a divine moment.  It’s the best thing in the world.  It’s like God is there.  And in this world of broken relationships you experience the divine miracle of God mending a relationship.

 

Object lesson: 2 sticks

In the book of Ezekiel the prophet is to graphically describe what God wants to do with the divided nation of Israel.  He tells him to take a stick and write on it the name of one of the splintered parties.

And then take another stick and write on it the name of the other divided party.

In Ezekiel 37:14 we read this:

Join them together as one stick so that they will become one in your hand. And to tell them that “they will become one stick in his hand.”

(I wonder how he was to hold them – like a cross??)

Some of us have some broken sticks….some that we need to bring to God that they might become one in his hand.

 

Pray

Lord,

Would you touch us like Jacob and change our hearts…give us a limp

Would you grant us the resolve to quit running and seek to restore our broken rel.

Would you cause us to not let go of you until we are in a place where you can bless us.

Would you go before us melting our brother’s heart and giving us a favorable place in their heart.

Would you give us patience and persistence to keep expressing a changed heart.

Would you give us the humility to bow before and confess our wrongs.

Would you like these sticks make us one again in your hand.

 

Amen.

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b Esau may mean hairy; he was also called Edom, which means red.

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ge 25:21-26

Walvoord, John F. ; Zuck, Roy B. ; Dallas Theological Seminary: The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL : Victor Books, 1983-c1985, S. 1:69

a Jacob means he grasps the heel (figuratively, he deceives).

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ge 27:32-45

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ge 33:1-4

The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Ge 33:5-11