Relationships: Getting to the Other Side

Date: November 14th, 2010

Speaker: Pastor Kevin Snyder

Title: Relationships: Getting to the Other Side

Text: Joshua 22

Introduction

One of the common struggles we encounter in relationships is misunderstandings. Misunderstandings that grow out of the soil of mistrust. Granny didn’t understand and because of that she mistrust the coach and Jethro.

Well, we have in our text a classic example of misunderstanding.

Tell story:

Joshua 1 – Reubenites, Gadites & ½ tribe of Manasseh.

Wanted land on east side of Jordan.

But Joshua said. “Hold on. Before you can settle in your land which we have all helped you claim. We have all battled the enemy so the land you stand on is clear. You owe it to your brothers to help them get their land.”

In fact Moses had said to them even before Joshua:

“Shall your countrymen go to war while you sit here? Why do you discourage the Israelites from going over to the land the Lord has given them?”(Numbers 32: 6, 7)

That’s teamwork.

Teamwork is not quitting when you got what you want….got your part. Teamwork is working together so everyone gets their goal.

i.e.

Phil Jackson: Coach of LA Lakers & before Chicago Bulls wrote a book called “Mindgames.”

Chicago Bulls became a championship team when he convinced Michael Jordan that “great players don’t win scoring championships…they win championships.” They make the team great and successful.

Joshua gave a lesson on team. There is no “I” in team. It is working together so everyone succeeds.

Well, these tribes got that. They left their families to settle in and they went with the other tribes to help them get their land. In fact, Joshua said, “You will go first. You will be at the front. You aren’t going to just be cheerleaders from the back. You are going to lead the way, set the tone, be committed to the success. Because if you aren’t you won’t survive….”

So they battled right until the end.

In Joshua 22, the land all apportioned out. Everybody has finally got their land. Each tribe is instructed to take responsibility and finish the job but the war campaign is over.

And it comes to the time where they can go home.

Joshua 22:3- 5 For a long time now—to this very day—you have not deserted your fellow Israelites but have carried out the mission the LORD your God gave you. 4 Now that the LORD your God has given them rest as he promised, return to your homes in the land that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you on the other side of the Jordan. 5 But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: to love the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to keep his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

On their way home they made a decision.

A. The Action

Before they crossed over the Jordan they decided to build an imposing, impressive altar.

“Now when Israel came home and saw this they were taken aback.

And it says “the whole assembly of Israel gathered at Shiloh to go to war against them.”(v. 12)

Why?

Because they believed “their brothers had rebelled” and turned away. Thought they no longer were committed to coming to worship at central place as had been established….they were going to settle on a place closer.

Israel took it that they wanted a…

more convenient religion.
They wanted an easier religion.
They thought they wanted to build a religion around what they wanted and not what God wanted.
They made a judgment of their spirituality based on this action, and they were mad.
They felt betrayed.
They felt a need to fight for the principle of the thing.
Their relationship and favor with God was at stake.
They feared God’s withdrawal of blessing and his judgment.

And they were going to go and set their brothers straight. They couldn’t tolerate this…this was a slippery slope. This was going to set a precedence.

“If we don’t come down hard now then where will this lead. We will have convenient religion outbreaks all over the land. The nation will come apart.”

Transition

Does that sound familiar?

Over reactions. Negative assumptions. Quick judgments.

Even though they had fought together, worked together, been together for a long time….how quick they were to mistrust. How quick they were to assign negative motivations.

i.e.

Happened to me.

I was coaching a Grade 9 basketball team back in Wpg. We went out of town to a tournament…team stayed at a hotel.

Next afternoon after we checked out (final game) noticed all the guys had these white towels on the bench…odd.

Discovered when we got home that they had stolen them from the hotel…and to further complicate it written their names on them.

And so at practice I said, “Guys, you stole these towels. They count them. We are going to get a bill. We need to return or pay for them.”

Their reply – “They won’t know we took them off the cleaning staff’s cart.

Oh great.

So I got a hold of the hotel and told them what happened and asked how much do we owe? And so I collected from the team either the unmarked towels or the money. Called hotel & said, I was sending it out.

And I can’t recall what happened but they came back about 2 weeks later somehow didn’t get to the hotel. Anyways, it was like 6 weeks till I actually drove them back myself and personally apologized….had been in contact with hotel and we were good with each other.

Anyways, I am sharing this back in my church as a sermon illustration….

I’m confessing all this to my congregation. And there is a person from the congregation who somehow didn’t hear my apology to hotel, and attempts to repair the wrong (probably from people killing themselves laughing at me that were sitting around them) and apparently they thought I was taking this too lightly.

Well, in a few days, I got a 12 page letter telling me all the things I already knew

how bad a coach I was
how lousy of an example I was as a Christian
how embarrassed they were that I was their pastor
how unethical I was that I wouldn’t return the towels
Couldn’t believe how I could laugh at such a terrible thing
On and on …12 pages.
Final words were they were leaving the church.

I tried to call - they refused to talk to me.
I went to my staff relations team and showed them the letter - they tried to talk – wouldn’t talk to them either.
I wrote an apology letter – no response.

POINT:

They misunderstood my intent and like this tribe…they prepared for war.

I’ve been on the other side too…where I misunderstood someone’s intentions and was ready to jump all over them too… those aren’t as fun to tell.

B. The Confrontation

Let’s go back to our text….note a smart step they take.

Before they fired the first arrow someone got a bright idea. Maybe we should talk to them before we wipe them off the face of the map. Maybe we should go and engage in a difficult conversation.

And so they chose a priest and 10 other leaders to go and talk to them.

The talk basically asked:

What in the world are you doing?
Why did you do this?
Why are you leaving the Lord?
Why are you cutting your ties with us?

C. The Reaction

The 2 1/2 tribes are shocked by what they hear. Their response is:

Joshua 22: 21 – 29 Then Reuben, Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh replied to the heads of the clans of Israel: 22 “The Mighty One, God, the LORD! The Mighty One, God, the LORD! He knows! And let Israel know! If this has been in rebellion or disobedience to the LORD, do not spare us this day. 23 If we have built our own altar to turn away from the LORD and to offer burnt offerings and grain offerings, or to sacrifice fellowship offerings on it, may the LORD himself call us to account. 24 “No! We did it for fear that some day your descendants might say to ours, ‘What do you have to do with the LORD, the God of Israel? 25 The LORD has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you—you Reubenites and Gadites! You have no share in the LORD.’ So your descendants might cause ours to stop fearing the LORD. 26 “That is why we said, ‘Let us get ready and build an altar—but not for burnt offerings or sacrifices.’ 27 On the contrary, it is to be a witness between us and you and the generations that follow, that we will worship the LORD at his sanctuary with our burnt offerings, sacrifices and fellowship offerings. Then in the future your descendants will not be able to say to ours, ‘You have no share in the LORD.’ 28 “And we said, ‘If they ever say this to us, or to our descendants, we will answer: Look at the replica of the LORD’s altar, which our ancestors built, not for burnt offerings and sacrifices, but as a witness between us and you.’ 29 “Far be it from us to rebel against the LORD and turn away from him today by building an altar for burnt offerings, grain offerings and sacrifices, other than the altar of the LORD our God that stands before his tabernacle.”

Their Reaction: “Whoa! We didn’t mean that. That wasn’t our intention at all.”

Isn’t it amazing how we can, by just looking at an action, so misjudge a person’s intent.

D. The Outcome

Joshua 22:33, 34 33 They were glad to hear the report and praised God. And they talked no more about going to war against them to devastate the country where the Reubenites and the Gadites lived. 34 And the Reubenites and the Gadites gave the altar this name: A Witness Between Us—that the LORD is God.

APPLICATION

Let me summarize this story in a diagram.

Lessons:

1. Be Charitable

So many of our conflicts in marriage, in the church, are not fuelled by malice. Very seldom are we out to intentionally hurt someone.

But most of our conflicts are fuelled by this cycle of misunderstanding. I would say 80% are fuelled by misunderstanding

We may have been in Bible Study together, worked on a ministry together, ate together…but what is it that causes us to mistrust and assume the worst about each other?

Why are we so quick to judge, and ascribe negative rather than positive attributions to someone’s actions?

As one person said, “We judge ourselves by our intent. We judge others by their effect.”

If we are going to reduce the level of conflict, we need to be charitable. Apostle Paul refers to it as, “grow in grace.”

We need to be more charitable towards each other.

Instead of ascribing negative motivations because

They didn’t greet me after church.
They looked the other way when they saw me.
They ignored me
They intentionally did that to hurt me…

Instead of going there, we need to become more “grace-full” people. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Believe the best, instead of the worst, about people.

Grant grace…God has granted you lots of it just extend some of it to others.

Be charitable.

2. Go Talk Before You Start A War.

In national terms we call it diplomacy.

When we don’t understand another’s actions the Christian thing to do is “go and talk”. The Christian thing is not to assume, but to go and talk about them.

Matthew 18: 15 – 17 15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Go and talk.

I wonder how many “wars” could be averted if we would seek to talk and understand before we react?

I didn’t always do that well as a parent. Sometimes shot first and asked questions later. Went off on my kids before I sat down and even got their side of the story.

If they missed curfew ….all over them before asking “What happened?”

Probably avoid a lot more midnight marathons if would listen to “why the purchase was paid” instead of saying “How much did that cost?”

Probably have fewer conflicts if we learn to be “curious (ask questions) rather than judgmental.”

3. Take Courage

We could reduce a lot of conflict if we had the courage to bring the intent of our actions, and the effects of others actions more out into the light. When something may be misunderstood

Share your intent – if action may be misunderstood..
If something has hurt you – talk to the person about the effect. Don’t nurse it. Feed it. Go home and play “Connect the dots”

One difference Christ makes in our lives is how we approach conflict.

We are more authentic – sharing our intentions and effects with each other instead of just letting it build, put up walls, and break relationships.

We go, we talk, we don’t assume, and we don’t hide and nurse our heart.

i.e.

Couple of weeks ago- Sally sat me down and confronted me.

“What’s up?”

We are good friends. We have worked together and respect each other. But she didn’t understand my actions. And she did a great thing – she talked to me. “Here is the effect you are having…what are you intending?” (She wasn’t quite that tame…)

I had no idea how my actions were impacting her (guy thing…duh, do we have a problem????”)

Anyways, we talked and got that stuff in the open and are good.

But it happened because she had the courage and Christian practice to talk.

Wrap-Up

Today we are going to have communion.

Before we partake we are encouraged to reflect on our relationship with God and with each other.

1. This stuff applies to God.

When we don’t understand one of God’s actions, how often do we assume he doesn’t love us, he’s out to get us, he doesn’t care? We attribute negative motivations even to God.
When we have felt disappointment or hurt, how often have we got angry with God and shaken our fist at heaven instead of first going and listening, searching to understand, letting God speak.

Maybe today you need to have a vertical conversation. You need to ask forgiveness of God like Job when he said “Surely I have spoken of things I don’t understand.”
Perhaps you need to confess your feelings about God to God…how you have ascribed that he doesn’t love you, care, etc.

2. Perhaps you need to have a horizontal conversation….

Perhaps you have been too quick to judge…quick to ascribe negative to behavior…too slow to bring out your hurt.

Exercises:

a. Spouse

Now, we don’t have time to do a lot of marital therapy, but let me suggest something. If here with spouse take hold of their hand. And can you just acknowledge by a little squeeze of the hand your desire for your relationship to be better. You admit that at times you haven’t been grace-full, charitable, you’ve reacted too quick and not listened, acted out hurt rather than talked about it.

b. Parents

If you have kids, today at dinner table before you eat say something like this:

“Today at church we listened to the pastor speak. God spoke to me about some things. I want to apologize for reacting and not listening, for assuming you did the worst rather than the best. I would like you to tell me how I may have wounded you this week because I want to apologize for that.”

Kids will learn a couple things from that:

Church is about changing and makes a difference
Respect you more for being real

Like last week: this is the practical steps where our Christianity gets lived out. Where we apply and do something with it.

Prayer